Opening: Set the Stage Gently
Some of the most confusing relationships we encounter are the ones where the person we try hardest to help, ends up hurting us the most. It can leave us questioning: Why would someone sabotage the very thing keeping them afloat?
The answer, more often than we realize, lies in unhealed trauma.
Section 1: Trauma Alters the Brain—Not Just the Heart
People who have lived through chaotic, abusive, or unstable pasts often rewire their survival instincts. For them:
- Calm feels unfamiliar.
- Kindness feels suspicious.
- Safety feels temporary, and therefore threatening.
When trauma has been their compass, stability doesn’t always feel safe. It feels like a setup for disappointment.
Section 2: The Emotional Grenade Effect
Emotionally wounded individuals may lash out at those closest to them, not because of hatred, but because of fear.
It’s as if they’re pulling the pin on an emotional grenade and tossing it at the people they love… not to destroy them, but to test if they’ll run away like everyone else did.
This pattern can look like:
- Overreacting to kindness
- Creating conflict where there is peace
- Accusing others of intentions they’ve never shown
- Pushing love away to confirm the belief: “No one stays.”
Section 3: It’s Not Always Abuse, But It Is Harmful
Emotional outbursts, manipulation, or withdrawal aren’t always consciously abusive. But the damage they cause still hurts.
And it especially devastates the people who offer safety, patience, and unconditional support the ones who become emotional punching bags simply for being there.
Section 4: How to Navigate the Storm Without Losing Yourself
If you’re someone who has tried to love a person through their trauma:
- Set healthy emotional boundaries, even if you love them.
- Don’t mistake pain for permission to be mistreated.
- Offer support, but don’t sacrifice your own mental health.
- Encourage therapy and growth—but know that change must be chosen, not coerced.
If you are someone who struggles with pushing people away:
- Pause and ask: “Am I reacting to the moment, or to my memory of a past wound?”
- Seek out professional help—not because you’re broken, but because you deserve peace.
- Let safe people in. They are rare. Don’t test their limits. Honor them.
Closing Reflection:
It takes strength to survive trauma—but it takes courage to heal from it. And healing often begins when we realize: the people we push away are often the ones God sent to help us rebuild.
📖 Scriptures for Reflection:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
— Ephesians 4:2
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
— 1 Peter 4:8
🙏 A Prayer for the Wounded and the Ones Who Love Them:
Father, we lift up those who carry invisible wounds—the kind that make love feel risky and safety feel foreign. For those who lash out from fear instead of hate, bring healing to their hearts. And for the ones who love them, grant strength, discernment, and peace. Teach us to love with wisdom, to offer grace without enabling harm, and to walk away only when You say so—not when pain becomes too loud to hear You. May Your perfect love cast out fear in every heart it touches. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Troy P Zehnder 