One of the most damaging shifts in how people see relationships today is the slide toward transactional thinking. You do something for me, I do something for you. If you stop, I stop. It’s an exchange, like business. But love was never meant to be a transaction.
What Transactional Love Looks Like
A transactional relationship says:
- “If you give me attention, I’ll give you affection.”
- “If you buy me something, I’ll show appreciation.”
- “If you make me feel good, I’ll stay. If you don’t, I’ll go.”
It creates an invisible scorecard where both people are constantly trying to “earn” the other’s presence. Instead of safety and trust, it breeds anxiety and performance.
Sometimes life experience can lock people into this mindset. For example, years in survival environments, prison, poverty, broken homes, teach people that nothing is free. Everything has a cost, and trust is dangerous. That survival instinct can bleed into romance, making love feel like a trade.
What True Love Looks Like
True love doesn’t keep a scorecard. It doesn’t demand repayment. It gives freely, not because of what it will get back, but because of who the other person is.
The Bible describes it perfectly:
- “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud… it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5).
- “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).
That kind of love doesn’t measure; it sacrifices. It doesn’t trade; it gives.
Why This Matters in Our Lives
The danger of transactional thinking is that it blinds us to grace. If we believe love always has to be earned, then we can’t accept it when someone, or God Himself, offers it freely.
But the Gospel is the ultimate rejection of a transactional relationship. Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He didn’t wait for us to pay Him back. He loved first, gave first, sacrificed first.
The Challenge for Us
If your relationship feels like a barter system, it’s worth asking: Am I loving this person, or am I trading with them? And deeper still: Am I trying to earn God’s love, or am I receiving the love He already gave me through Christ?
True love never says, “You owe me.” It says, “I’m here, no matter what.”
✍️ Takeaway for readers: Love is never about keeping score. The moment we trade grace for transaction, we lose what makes love powerful. Real love doesn’t demand repayment, it gives itself freely, just like Christ did for us.
Troy P Zehnder 