Christmas is the season where we talk about love the most, and often experience it the least.
We decorate it. We sing about it. We wrap it in lights, gifts, and expectations. And yet for many people, Christmas quietly exposes something uncomfortable: the gap between how deeply we love and how deeply we are loved in return.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what Christmas love actually is, and what it isn’t. Not the Hallmark version. Not the social media version. But the kind of love that still makes sense when expectations go unmet and relationships feel uneven.
What Christmas Love Is
Christmas love is outward. It’s the kind of love you can control, because it begins and ends with how you choose to give. It isn’t dependent on applause, reciprocity, or outcome. It flows from intention, not reaction. In that way, Christmas love looks a lot like agape. Scripture tells us:
“We love because He first loved us.”
— 1 John 4:19
God did not wait to be loved before He came. He did not require understanding before He gave Himself. He entered a broken world knowing many would reject Him, and the gift was still offered.
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
— Romans 5:8
That is the model of Christmas love. Christmas love is:
- intentional
- thoughtful
- clean
- freely given
It says, “You matter,” without attaching conditions to the response. And when love is given this way, it is never wasted, even if it is not returned in the same form.
What Christmas Love Isn’t
Christmas love is not transactional. It isn’t “I gave, so now you owe.” It isn’t measured by performance or gratitude. And it isn’t validated by whether we are chosen, prioritized, or reciprocated the way we hoped. This is where Christmas becomes painful for many people.
We judge the season by:
- who showed up
- who reached out
- who remembered us
- who loved us the way we wanted
But Scripture reminds us that love isn’t defined by outcome:
“Love is patient, love is kind… it does not insist on its own way.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4–5
When we measure love by how others respond, we give them control over our joy. That was never the point. Christmas love is also not self-erasing. Loving outward does not mean ignoring boundaries or accepting what is unhealthy. It simply means we don’t invalidate the goodness of our love because someone else lacks the capacity to return it.
The Shift That Changes Everything
There is a quiet freedom that comes when we accept this truth:
We are judged by how we love, not by how we are loved. Jesus Himself framed love this way:
“You shall love the Lord your God… and love your neighbor as yourself.”
— Matthew 22:37–39
Notice what’s missing: There’s no instruction to measure whether love is fairly returned before giving it.
This doesn’t mean we stop desiring mutual love. It doesn’t mean imbalance doesn’t hurt. It means our worth no longer rises and falls based on someone else’s ability to give. When we stop keeping score, we stop bleeding.
Why This Matters at Christmas
Christmas amplifies everything:
- grief
- loneliness
- unmet expectations
- unresolved relationships
That’s why so many people feel more alone during a season that claims to celebrate love. But Christmas was never about perfection or symmetry. It was about God entering reality as it is, not as we wish it were.
“Today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
— Luke 2:11
Not in a palace. Not after the world was ready. But right in the middle of human brokenness. When we love outward, without leverage, we align ourselves with that truth. And that’s where peace begins to return. Not because everyone loved us well, but because we did.
Troy P Zehnder 