There are different ways men show up in relationships, and there are different ways women perceive and categorize them, often without ever saying it out loud. These categories aren’t always intentional, but patterns don’t need intent to be real.
As I spent time reflecting on relationships, four familiar roles became clear. Not as accusations, but as observations, formed through experience, conversations, and patterns that repeat themselves far too often to ignore.
There’s the Chosen.
There’s the Lover.
There’s the Sugar Daddy.
And then there’s a man no one talks about.
The Sugar Dummy.
The Chosen
The Chosen is the man a woman truly commits to.
She prioritizes him. She protects the relationship. She trusts him not just with her emotions, but with her future. He isn’t flawless, but he is selected. Boundaries exist because the relationship matters. Desire and stability coexist. Loss feels real because the investment is mutual.
This is the man she fears losing.
The Lover
The Lover is chemistry without consequence.
He provides excitement, passion, and escape. There are no long-term expectations, only shared moments. He is desired but not depended on.
The Lover is intoxicating precisely because he doesn’t represent permanence. There’s no future to manage, no stability to protect, and no accountability to maintain.
He is temporary by design.
The Sugar Daddy
The Sugar Daddy relationship is transactional, whether people admit it or not. Provision is exchanged for access. Resources are exchanged for proximity.
The terms may be unspoken, but they are understood. There may be affection, and there may even be care, but the foundation is negotiation, not devotion.
It isn’t love, but it is honest.
The Sugar Dummy
The Sugar Dummy is the man who loves with everything he has. He gives freely. He shows up consistently. He protects without leverage. He builds without expectation of return. He BELIEVES love is proven through patience, loyalty, and sacrifice. And here’s the difficult truth:
He often receives nothing.
Not the desire the Lover receives. Not the access the Sugar Daddy receives. Not the commitment the Chosen receives. Instead, he becomes the emotional refuge, the place someone goes when life hurts. He is trusted with pain, leaned on in moments of fear, and relied upon for stability.
But he is not chosen.
The Cruel Irony
The Sugar Dummy isn’t rejected because he lacks value. He is rejected because he offers safety without boundaries. And safety, when it requires no risk, becomes something people rely on without protecting. In a culture addicted to novelty and intensity, permanence can feel optional rather than sacred.
So the Sugar Dummy becomes:
- Deeply invested but not prioritized
- Emotionally available but physically excluded
- Loyal without reciprocity
He is often described as “what she needs,” but not what she chooses.
This Isn’t About Blame
This isn’t an indictment of women. It’s a warning to good men. Loving deeply is not the problem.
Giving generously is not the problem. The problem is loving without discernment. The problem is giving without boundaries. The problem is building something alone and calling it a relationship.
Love must involve mutual risk, not unilateral sacrifice.
The Lesson
If you are giving everything while receiving nothing, you are not being patient, you are being positioned. Healthy relationships require reciprocity. Desire must meet stability. Commitment must move in both directions.
Being a good man doesn’t mean being endlessly available. It means being wisely invested. Because love isn’t proven by how much you’re willing to lose. It’s proven by how much both people are willing to risk.
Troy P Zehnder 