Lately I’ve been paying more attention to people. Not in a judgmental way, more in a quiet, observational way. The kind where you sit in a coffee shop, the gym, the grocery store, scroll social media, and just notice patterns.
How people talk. How they present themselves. How relationships form, and how quickly they fall apart.
And the more I watch, the more I feel like a lot of us are trying to find something real in a culture that simply isn’t designed for it anymore.
A System Optimized for the Opposite of What We Need
Modern dating culture is built on speed, visibility, novelty, and endless choice. Swipe. Match. Talk. Ghost. Replace. Repeat.
The system rewards:
- being visually impressive
- being emotionally light
- being endlessly available
- never staying too long
But real human connection requires the opposite:
- time
- consistency
- emotional presence
- vulnerability
- friction
- patience
So we’ve created a strange environment where people say they want depth, but live inside systems that punish it. It’s like trying to grow roots in concrete.
Performance vs Connection
One of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed is how much of dating has become performance.
People curate themselves. Angles. Lighting. Filters. Bios. Personas. We’re not meeting people, we’re meeting brands.
We’re rewarded for being interesting, attractive, mysterious, detached. Not for being consistent, grounded, or emotionally available. But connection doesn’t come from being impressive.
It comes from being present. And presence doesn’t go viral.
The Quiet Mismatch No One Talks About
There’s also a deeper mismatch happening, especially as people get older.
Many women age into wanting:
- safety
- stability
- emotional security
- peace
Many men age into wanting:
- to feel desired
- to feel relevant
- to feel chosen again
- to feel alive
Neither is wrong. But they’re different currencies. So you get people standing in the same marketplace, using completely different emotional money, wondering why nothing is “working.” It’s not that people are broken. It’s that the system doesn’t help them meet in the middle.
The Group No One Designs For
What fascinates me most is the group you rarely hear about: The people who actually want:
- loyalty
- effort
- growth
- depth
- consistency
- something that builds over time
They’re not loud. They’re not dramatic. They’re not posting relationship content every day. They’re usually just… confused. Because they feel like they’re playing a different game than everyone else. They want something real. But the environment is optimized for: entertainment, not commitment.
It’s Not That Love Is Dead
I don’t think love is dead. I don’t think people are incapable of connection. And I don’t think everyone is shallow or broken.
I think we built systems that reward the opposite of what humans actually need to attach, bond, and stay. So people who want something meaningful feel like they’re swimming upstream in a current that’s constantly pulling them back toward surface-level everything.
Not because they’re doing something wrong. But because the culture simply isn’t designed for depth anymore.
The Real Question
The real question isn’t: “Why is dating so hard now?” The real question is:
“How do you build something real inside a system that profits from things being disposable?”
And maybe that’s why so many people feel disconnected even when they’re surrounded by options.
Because connection doesn’t come from having more choices. It comes from choosing, and staying.
In a culture built for distraction, depth isn’t just rare, it’s inconvenient.
And anyone who wants something real will always feel slightly out of place.
Not because they’re broken, but because they’re trying to build something human in a system that isn’t.
Troy P Zehnder 