At some point in life, many of us begin to realize how easy it is to measure others by what we would have done in their place. We look back at parents, partners, friends, and moments that changed the direction of our lives, and we think, How could they not have known? How could they have made that decision?
From where we stand today, with everything we have learned and experienced, their mistakes can feel obvious. The impact those decisions had on our lives may have been deep, personal, and sometimes lasting. It is natural to feel the weight of those outcomes and to wonder how things might have been different if someone had simply chosen better.
But growth introduces a different perspective, one that is harder to accept, yet far more freeing.
People do not make decisions from our level of awareness. They make decisions from theirs. Every action a person takes is filtered through their upbringing, their fears, their emotional maturity, their knowledge, and the limits of what they understand at the time. What may appear careless or hurtful in hindsight was often, in their mind, the best solution they knew how to offer in that moment.
This truth applies not only to the way we were raised, but also to the relationships we form later in life.
Many relationships do not end because love was completely absent; they end because emotional capacity was unequal. One person may know how to communicate, while the other only knows how to withdraw. One may understand commitment, while the other is still learning how to feel safe staying. One may be ready to build, while the other is still trying to figure out who they are. We often judge people by what we were willing to give, instead of what they were capable of giving.
That realization does not erase the hurt. It does not mean poor decisions should be ignored or unhealthy behavior should be tolerated. Accountability still matters. Consequences are still real. But understanding human limitation changes the emotional burden we carry. The story shifts from “They did this to me” to “They acted from the limits of who they were at that moment.”
Most people did not give us what we needed. They gave us what they were capable of giving.
When we begin to see others through that lens, resentment slowly loses its grip. We stop carrying emotional debts that were never going to be repaid, not because people didn’t care, but because many of them simply did not have the tools to give more than they already did. Accepting that truth does not rewrite the past, but it does lighten the weight we carry forward.
And perhaps the greatest freedom comes from realizing this: once we understand the limits others lived within, we gain the responsibility to grow beyond our own, choosing to become the person who learns, evolves, and gives more than we once knew how to give ourselves.
Troy P Zehnder 