There are many mysteries in life. How were the pyramids built? What happened to Atlantis? Why do socks disappear in the dryer? And perhaps the greatest mystery of all:
Why does everyone’s IQ drop 50 points the moment they get behind the wheel of a vehicle?
After years of extensive field research, countless miles on America’s highways, and several spilled cups of coffee, I have identified the most common species inhabiting our roadways. If you drive regularly, you’ve encountered them. You may even be one of them.
The Speed Limit Interpreter
This remarkable species has developed a unique understanding of traffic law. While most people believe the speed limit sign indicates the maximum legal speed, the Speed Limit Interpreter has reached a different conclusion entirely. They believe it is the minimum required speed.
To them, 65 means 75. 70 means 80. And if you’re actually driving the posted speed limit, you are apparently creating a hazard to civilization. These drivers can often be observed rapidly approaching from behind before attaching themselves to your rear bumper like a barnacle on a ship.
And yes… there are people who sincerely believe this. They are otherwise intelligent, productive members of society. Yet somehow, when discussing speed limits, they transform into legal scholars interpreting ancient scrolls that clearly state: “Thou shalt exceed the posted speed by at least ten miles per hour.”
The Left Lane Homesteader
Unlike most travelers, this species has no intention of reaching a destination. They have chosen the left lane as their permanent residence. Some experts believe they are unaware that other lanes exist. Others believe they have appointed themselves Highway Sheriff and are personally responsible for regulating the speed of everyone behind them.
They can often be found traveling exactly the same speed as the vehicle beside them for twenty consecutive miles while a line of increasingly frustrated motorists forms behind them stretching halfway to the next county.
The Professional Tailgater
Scientists remain baffled by this species. Despite having an entire highway available, they choose to position their vehicle approximately six inches from your rear bumper. They remain there for miles.
You can no longer see their hood. You can identify their facial expressions. You know what song they’re listening to. At one point you’re reasonably certain they’re eating a cheeseburger, and from your vantage point it appears to have an extra pickle.
Eventually they launch a daring pass in a no-passing zone, cut you off, and then immediately slow down to make a right turn into a gas station.
Your coffee is now on your shirt.
The Competitive Trucker
You’ve seen this one. You’re cruising comfortably down the interstate when suddenly a semi-truck pulls into the passing lane. The truck in front of him is traveling 69 mph. He is traveling 70 mph. Clearly, action must be taken.
What follows is one of nature’s most breathtaking spectacles. For the next seven miles, two eighty-thousand-pound machines engage in a fierce battle for dominance measurable only with scientific equipment.
Then they reach a hill. Both trucks drop to 40 mph. Traffic backs up for three zip codes. Civilization briefly collapses.
The Merge Lane Mystic
This driver believes merging is less of a maneuver and more of a spiritual journey. The interstate is moving at 70 mph. They are traveling at 38.
Despite having an acceleration lane specifically designed for accelerating, they choose not to. At the very last second, they merge while looking surprised that nobody is thrilled about the situation.
The Turn Signal Preservation Society
These drivers are deeply committed to preserving their turn signals from unnecessary wear and tear. As a result, they never use them. Ever.
Turning left? Classified. Turning right? Confidential. Changing lanes? National security concern. Their future movements remain known only to themselves and God.
The Phantom Braker
Nobody knows what they’re braking for. Not a car. Not an animal. Not a traffic light. Not a turn. Nothing. The road is straight. The weather is clear. Traffic is light. Yet every thirty seconds:
Brake. Brake. Brake.
Some experts believe they are receiving instructions from voices only they can hear.
The Lane Change Collector
This species changes lanes every fifteen seconds. Left lane. Middle lane. Right lane. Back to the middle. Back to the left. Back to the right.
By the end of the trip, they have completed enough lane changes to qualify for frequent flyer miles while gaining a total distance advantage of approximately seven feet.
The Red Light Gambler
This driver sees a yellow light and immediately begins advanced mathematical calculations. The answer is always the same.
“I can make it.”
The light turns red. Then darker red. Then historical red. Yet somehow they’re still entering the intersection.
The Weather Amnesiac
Every time it rains, this species behaves as though weather has been invented for the first time. The first raindrop hits the windshield.
Traffic slows from 70 mph to 27. Hazard lights appear. Panic spreads. The highway resembles a herd of startled gazelles attempting to cross a river.
The Cell Phone Acrobat
Despite Bluetooth, speakerphone, voice commands, hands-free technology, and satellites orbiting the Earth, this driver chooses to hold their phone directly in front of their face.
Their vehicle drifts gently from lane to lane like a shopping cart with one bad wheel.
You begin to wonder whether they’re texting, emailing, watching a movie, or performing open-heart surgery.
The Four-Way Stop Negotiator
Every four-way stop becomes an international peace summit. “No, you go.” “No, you go.” “No, seriously, you go.” “No, after you.”
Eventually all four drivers arrive simultaneously at the conclusion that nobody is moving until retirement age.
The Parking Lot Formula One Driver
For reasons unknown, these drivers travel faster through parking lots than they do on the highway. Pedestrians become obstacles.
Shopping carts become chicanes. Speed bumps become recommendations. The local grocery store parking lot has somehow become the Monaco Grand Prix.
The Gas Pump Philosopher
This individual finishes pumping gas, returns the nozzle, and then remains parked at the pump for the next fifteen minutes. Perhaps they are contemplating life’s greatest mysteries. Perhaps they are solving world hunger. Perhaps they are composing a symphony.
Whatever the reason, they have no intention of moving despite the seven vehicles waiting behind them.
Final Thoughts from the Road
After years of observation, I’ve reached one unavoidable conclusion. The highway is not merely a transportation system. It is a living ecosystem. A place where every species believes they are the only competent driver on the road.
We complain about them. We laugh at them. We tell stories about them. And if we’re being honest, we’ve probably been one or two of them ourselves.
Except the Left Lane Homesteader. Nobody ever admits to being that guy.
Drive safely, my friends.
And if you happen to be reading this while sitting at a gas pump long after you’ve finished fueling your vehicle… the rest of us would appreciate it if you’d just move along.
Troy P Zehnder 