When Kind Words Come with Terms and Conditions
There’s something fascinating about the human ability to take a perfectly good compliment and completely destroy it with three additional words. I’ve never quite understood it.
Someone walks up to you and says, “You look really good!” Well, thank you. That’s very kind of you. Then they continue. “For your age.” And there it is. We were doing so well. We had a perfectly pleasant exchange going, and then you decided to attach an expiration date to my appearance. Why? Why couldn’t I just look good?
Apparently, I don’t look good in the general population. I look good within a very specific demographic of people who are expected to be deteriorating at approximately the same rate. I’m not attractive. I’m holding up remarkably well considering the circumstances.
Thank you. I think.
The Art of Knowing When to Stop Talking
I’ve noticed that some people have an extraordinary ability to turn a compliment into an insult simply because they don’t know when to stop talking. “You look great!” Stop there. “You’re really intelligent!” Excellent. We’re finished. “You’re a wonderful person!” Perfect. Nothing further required. But no.
Somewhere in the human brain, there’s apparently a little voice that says, You know what would make that compliment even better? A qualification.
“You’re really intelligent for someone who never went to college.” Well, that’s reassuring. I was concerned my brain might have stopped functioning somewhere between high school graduation and the absence of a student loan.
Or there’s the classic: “You’re smarter than you look.” I’ve always wondered exactly what intelligence is supposed to look like. Should I be wearing glasses? Carrying a calculator? Walking around with a dictionary under my arm? More importantly, what exactly is wrong with my face that it suggested I was incapable of forming a coherent thought?
I appreciate your confidence in my mental abilities, but now I’m slightly concerned about my appearance.
The Compliment That Requires a Previous Insult
Then we have the compliments that apparently require someone to have thought poorly of you beforehand.
“You’re actually a really nice person once people get to know you.” Actually? What was the original assessment? Was I considered a threat to public safety? Did someone circulate a warning? I suppose it’s nice to know that after sufficient exposure, people eventually determine I’m relatively harmless.
Another favorite is: “You’re not nearly as intimidating as you look.” I’m never quite sure how to respond to that one. Thank you for overcoming your fear long enough to discover I don’t routinely frighten small children or steal lunch money.
Then there’s: “You have a surprisingly good sense of humor.” Surprisingly? Was I expected to sit in the corner staring at the wall? I realize I don’t always walk around smiling like I’ve just won the lottery, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of recognizing a joke. Sometimes I’m even responsible for one.
Although, judging by the reactions, not everyone appreciates that responsibility.
The Relationship Department
Relationships provide an entirely separate category of compliments that probably should have been reviewed before being spoken.
“I can’t believe you’re still single!” Well, neither can I, apparently. But thank you for reminding me that my relationship status is such an extraordinary mystery that it deserves further investigation.
Or: “Any woman would be lucky to have you.” That’s wonderful. Would you happen to know any of these women? Because apparently there’s an entire population of fortunate women somewhere who haven’t received the announcement.
Then there’s the particularly encouraging: “You’re not usually my type.” Well, I’m honored that you’ve decided to temporarily suspend your standards. I’ll try not to disappoint you during this experimental phase.
And of course: “You’d make somebody a wonderful husband.” Somebody. Not necessarily the person making the observation, mind you. Just somebody. Somewhere. Possibly in another country.
I’ll keep an eye out.
The Domestic Achievement Awards
As a man who’s been single for a long time, I’ve learned to cook, clean, do laundry, maintain a home, and generally keep myself alive without adult supervision.
Apparently, this occasionally qualifies as an extraordinary accomplishment. “You’re a really good cook for a man.” Thank you. I wasn’t aware the stove checked chromosomes before allowing someone to prepare dinner.
“Your house is surprisingly clean!” Surprisingly? Were you expecting livestock? I understand that some people imagine a single man’s home consists of a recliner, a television, three pizza boxes, and a mysterious smell coming from the refrigerator. But believe it or not, some of us have discovered the remarkable technology known as a vacuum cleaner. And dish soap. And laundry detergent. We’re making tremendous progress as a civilization.
I’ve often joked that I’d make somebody a wonderful wife someday. Apparently, the fact that I can prepare dinner and operate a washing machine puts me ahead of certain expectations. I’m considering adding those qualifications to my résumé.
The Age-Appropriate Compliment
Of course, as we get older, compliments begin arriving with increasingly specific disclaimers.
“You’re pretty active for your age.” Well, yes. I haven’t received official instructions to stop moving yet.
“You’re still pretty sharp.” Still? Was there a scheduled decline I wasn’t informed about?
“You’re doing remarkably well for someone your age.” Again with the age. At what point did simply functioning become an achievement worthy of recognition? I don’t recall receiving a notification that I had entered the portion of life where remembering my own phone number qualifies as exceptional performance.
And then there’s the one that really makes you feel special: “You must have been really handsome when you were younger.” Must have been? What happened? Did my face resign? Was there an accident involving gravity that nobody bothered to mention? I appreciate the recognition of my former attractiveness. I’ll be sure to pass the compliment along to the younger version of myself if I ever encounter him.
The Compliment That Makes You Reconsider Everything
Perhaps the most entertaining backhanded compliments are the ones that leave you questioning what the person actually thinks of you.
“You’re a lot more interesting than I expected.” How boring was I supposed to be?
“You’re surprisingly good at that.” What level of incompetence were we anticipating?
“You clean up nicely.” How bad did I look before?
“You actually make some good points.” Actually? Have all my previous conversations been considered complete nonsense?
And my personal favorite category: “I admire your confidence.” Depending on the circumstances, that can be one of the nicest things someone says to you. Or it can mean they’re absolutely astonished that you had the courage to leave your house looking the way you do.
Context is everything.
Maybe We Should Just Say What We Mean
Now, I don’t believe everyone who gives a backhanded compliment is intentionally trying to insult someone. Quite the opposite. I think most people genuinely mean well. They see something positive, want to acknowledge it, and then somehow manage to include an observation that probably should have remained an internal thought.
We’ve all done it. Sometimes the problem isn’t what we say. It’s what we say next. And that’s really the point. A compliment doesn’t need a comparison. It doesn’t need an age restriction. It doesn’t need a historical analysis of someone’s previous appearance, intelligence, personality, or relationship status. It certainly doesn’t need a disclaimer explaining why the compliment is surprising.
Sometimes the nicest thing we can say to another person is exactly what we mean. “You look great.” “You’re intelligent.” “You’re a good person.” “I enjoy spending time with you.” Period. No qualifications. No exceptions. No terms and conditions. Just a genuine compliment.
Although, knowing human nature, someone will probably read this entire article and tell me: “That was actually pretty funny.” Actually? Well, thank you. I think.
Now it’s your turn.
What’s the nicest insult anyone has ever disguised as a compliment and given to you?
Or better yet, have you ever given someone a compliment and realized halfway through that you probably should have stopped talking?
I’d love to hear it. Especially if it begins with, “I meant that as a compliment.” Those are usually the best ones.
